Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Thesis 2nd Round

Everything past the main character leaving the crash site i'll be changing. I was thinking of having him struggle on that same spot by having more little "maggots"(might update the monster in the future, a placeholder in the mean time.) come after him as he defends himself in what little cover he has.

it's "back to the the drawing board" for me.


  1. the monster doesnt get his face exploded this time?? the little monster at the begining, is it kill by the protagonist? then its mom comes up to avenge him?

  2. Hey Mark,

    I think an issue with the opening sequence of your piece is a lack of danger. We see the ship fly in and hit the star, but it's all very impersonal, and you fade to black before the crash happens.
    I think it would be pretty cool if you started us inside the cockpit of the ship, with red lights/warnings flashing as the ship hurdles towards the planet's surface. Then lead us all the way into the crash with a sense of panic, and black out on impact.
    This way when you're character comes to, you would have already established a serious mood. I was also concerned with how long we were in the characters POV as he woke up. The shot takes up 16 seconds of your piece, and it doesn't give us much. I think a better way of showing the small maggots approaching would be a tight low shot, out of the characters POV, showing the creatures approaching as he's still asleep.

    I really like the shot of your space dude taking cover behind his ship with the big maggot in the background. But there is a pretty big disconnect between the following shots and your space man grasping the edge of the sand pit as the creature emerges behind him.

    I like the idea of the light beacon he uses to send for help. It works, but it works out TOO well for your character. What if he sent out the help signal earlier. That way you would add a sense of suspense. "When will his help arrive?!?!" kind of deal.

    Looking forward to seeing updates!

    P.S. Have you read/seen Dune?

  3. Yo I agree with Dan for the beginning and for the beacon, that will be cool to see more before he crashes so we can make a connection with the protagonist

  4. Yeah, I'd like to take you guys for an inside look of the scout ship as it descends from the atmosphere but the designs are still in progress.

    The thought of the beacon going off at the beginning may pose as a problem in that the pilot would be giving away his position not only for help but to danger. (pretending to be the pilot, I'd feel pretty stupid lol)

    now if it wasn't the pilots choice to activate the beacon but more of an automated emergency device, ahHA!, that might just work.

    I temporarily took out the finishing beam until i could find a place where it fits, I'd like it devastating yet leave a maggot behind for the pilot to crush beneath his feet returning the glory to him and not the ship.

    i recently also thought that having to defend himself with a shank rather than a side arm seems more appealing no? just a thought.

    and no i haven't read/seen Dune.

    thanks for the replies guys, nice to see the blog working :)

  5. Yeah I miss that shot with him hanging off of the side of the sand dune. I feel like a lot of areas are much too drawn out, especially with him getting off the ship. Also you had a concept drawing before of these giant shells and dead pieces of sealife lying around his ship after he crashes on land. What happens if we see him looking up at these giant structures? What happens if he kicks one of these structures out of sheer frustration of being stranded and it turns out he kicked the tail of this giant monster? There seems to be a bit of disconnect between the events and it might help to put in things like this/take out "fluff" and unnecessary details in order to make the story stronger.

    I don't need you should trash this idea all together! It's a cool idea and I love that monster and the giant beach idea. As far as creating a likable character we feel for, what happens if he gains a sense of confidence (even if it's a false sense) during the short? Like he starts out doing everthing wrong, he crashes his ship, he can't fix it, his Help button doesn't seems to work, and he's just awoken the baddest thing on the beach... :O! Little does he know (dun dun dun) that his Help button DOES go off! and the Help Ship zips in, shooting his enemy just as he holds up his lazer gun to the monster with closed eyes.

    He opens his eyes to reveal the enemy, dead! and he stares at his gun in awe of his bravery and marksmanship (which he never had)....the ship picks him up and he stands tall and proud by the open doors, feeling confident. Though he never did anything to begin with...

    I don't know if any of this helped but I do think you can save this idea!

  6. -Danica
    yeah, i guess i got too worried about not having enough time to do spit and polish, i'll be giving it another go with the original idea, the problem may have been that the first time i took on the previs i pretty much went by the boardOmatic, which is missing frames that would've helped move the story along.